By Lori Jackson
So here’s how it rolls out in my mind: I am downtown with my husband and friends and we go to get on the mall bus. My husband enters the bus two doors up from my friends and I because the bus is really crowded. “Ok, strange, he didn’t stay by me. No big deal.” Then the bus clears a bit, around 20 or so people leave, he is easily within sight of me, but still doesn’t come to me. “Hmmm, that’s rude.” Now I start to get upset, now I feel rejected, lonely, and now my mind is racing a mile a minute. I am reviewing all of the things that are wrong in my marriage and why my husband can’t be the “man” I want him to be. “What’s wrong with me that would prompt him to leave me like this and not come to me? He doesn’t love me. I am not worthy of his love. Someone out there has to love me. Look at our friends: he is standing by her, holding her. Why can’t my husband do that? It must be because my girlfriend is shy, quiet, sweet, quaint, perfect, humble, funny, silly, forgiving, worthy, capable, able, loving; all of the things that I am not.”
And off I go… Deep water look out, I’m coming in. What is WRONG with me? I am a professional. I HELP people with crazy thoughts like this. I am so NOT all of the things my mind is telling me right now. Why oh why am I losing myself in this moment of fear?
I am scared. I am scared to need. I am scared to ask for love. I am scared to go over to my husband and say to him, “Hey! I want you right now. I want you to stand by me and be proud of me.” I am scared to just simply be.