Being honest through divorce is a much harder task to achieve than one would imagine. Being able to put your feelings and needs aside for the sake of so many things is really, really hard. When a person ends a relationship, they grieve the loss of it. The most difficult part of this grief is that the thing you are grieving still exists and isn’t out of reach. The feelings that come up are those of regret, rage, self-blame, shame, ridicule, loneliness, irritation, feeling cheated/lied to/unimportant, and so the list could go on forever.
My role here is not to focus on the bad feelings but to help you to understand that the more you embrace the feeling and say things out loud to yourself like, “Well, I guess we are going to be pissed off today,” the likelihood of you moving through that feeling is much greater and will often occur at a faster pace. I once had a friend say to me, “You know, the more I stop fighting what I am feeling and just own it, the quicker it is gone.” And guess what, she was RIGHT! Ahhhh, what a secret to hold and practice.
So … back to the crappiness of divorce. If you are going through a painful divorce/breakup, allowing yourself to feel what you feel — not fighting it — will also allow you to get through it in a much faster pace. In addition, when you can release these feelings, you often find that you can work with others like your kids, your ex, your family and all of those who are needing, expecting and hoping something of you; you can more likely be a better recipient of these relationships. So, the key to getting through it all is to lean into it. Own where you are. State the obvious, and never come from a place of being mean, but more importantly, come from a place of being honest.
When we are honest, we often find an absolute sense of relief. Being honest does not mean hurting others, being mean, or going against your needs and feelings. It means telling the truth from your heart and telling it with love. We tend to keep how we really feel inside so as not to hurt others, but eventually at some point, the “truth” comes out. So, you can either do it from a good place or you can do it from a place of reactiveness. My suggestion: speak from the heart.
And remember, practice makes perfect. You won’t get it right the first time, or maybe the first 20 times, but eventually, it will come and you will get it.
Go with love,