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Ten ways to have a sex filled relationship

Here are some great ways to have the marriage you might have always thought you wanted, but didn’t know you could have.

  1. Ask for what you need:
    1. Often times we have a hard time with telling people what it is that we need.  Telling your partner that you want to have sex more often or be more intimate can really make you vulnerable.Think of your worst case scenario and play it in your mind, what would happen if it came true, now, is it so scary? Often times it is not.  Because we are our safest with our partners it can be easy to shun one another, express your needs, and if they don’t hear you, say them again, and again, trying in different ways to say it until you are heard.
  2. Flirt, flirt, flirt:
    1. Nearly everyone feels flattered when flirted with. Imagine your wife or husband giving you the sexy eye from across the room at a party. Wow! Flirting makes us feel wanted, sexy, loved, and attractive. So… don’t be afraid to pass a note, send a sexy text, or sneak a little grab as you walk through the grocery store. Give it and you’ll get it.
  3. Mix it up, try new things
    1. The primary reason we stick to what we know is fear. Fear of what? Ask yourself what you are afraid of, share this very with your partner, and let them know you need their support, and then, give it a whirl!!! What do you think would be the most outrageous for you to do? Try on the princess Leia costume? Act like strangers in a restaurant? Find out what each other would like, play a game of sex dice, buy some coma sutra cards, whatever gets you trying and learning new things “together” will increase your spark and fun in the relationship.
  4. Practice makes perfect
    1. It will feel foreign to try new things and to make them a part of your intimate relationship, but practice it, see what fits, try and you may just succeed. Implement several of these tips and continue to use them, and sex will be fun, exciting, and adventurous in your marriage.  Try to practice new things, ideas, desires, etc, communicate as you do it, so you both know and can learn from one another. No one will know unless you tell them.  And never assume they do.
  5. Do it, do it, do it
    1. Just like exercise, the more you work out, the more fit you become. The more sex you have, the more you will want it. When we are inimate with our partners our bodies produce an increase of endorphins, so, why not experience this level of euphoria more often by becoming more intimate with our partners.  It is often the length of time in between sexual encounters, that keeps people from having sex, so shorten your length of time, and increase your sex drive.
  6. Set date nights
    1. It can extremely draining and exhausting to wait until 10:30 some nights to have sex with your partner, so set up date nights, leave the house early, get a hotel if you can, or find a fun little park to make out in the car. Whatever you do, don’t wait until the night is over and the exhaustion has taken over to begin engaging in your partner, you will more than likely get rejected and not try again.  In addition, date nights allow for you to turn off the duties of life, children, work, and households, and give couples the opportunity to reengage with one another.  Have a picnic in the park, bowling, bike riding, anything that gets you to let lose, relax and just merely BE together.
  7. Don’t be afraid of rejection
    1. Rejection is the epitome of our existence. I find that the fear of rejection and disapproval is the one of the strongest triggers for a human to endure. Yet, it is also one of the most natural experiences and actions we take as humans. So, allowing ourselves to understand that it is OK for us to be told no, that we are still loved, loveable and worthy even if told no, often helps us through those moments of sheer heart ache.  We are going to be rejected, feel rejected, and also reject those we love, care for and interact with on a regular basis. This occurs often without people even knowing or thinking twice about it, which is key to remember.  So some tips: before you go into a situation give yourself a pep talk indicating your self-worth and value. Second when you begin the conversation with your partner, let them know you’re afraid of being rejected and that you may be a little fragile at the moment. Often times when we show our vulnerabilities to people, they are able to hold us and show up, so give it a try and see what happens.
  8. Live vulnerably with your partner
    1. There is no better way to live than with an open heart and honest life. When we can embrace our lives wholeheartedly we find that joy will show up and live in our every moment. So, when we are vulnerable with our partners our marriages, relationships, and friendships with them blossom. It is so very hard to do this when we get scared, use blame, or one partner lacks insight and self awareness, but it is not impossible. Modeling and practicing will soften this experience. Intimacy is our most vulnerable state of existence, it is the closest we can possibly be with another person, which is both scary and humbling.  Let your fears subside, be in this moment, and let go. Just BE.
  9. Love yourself for the way you are right now
    1. In a culture where the future is our mission, we tend  forget to be in this moment right now. We tell ourselves, when I do this, THEN I will begin that. This manifests in relationships and intimacy on a regular basis.  Often times it looks like, “after I get stable in my career, I will spend more time with my wife and kids” or “after I lose 15 pounds I will feel sexy for my husband again and want to be intimate with him. Well… the truth is if we keep waiting for the finish line, we may never get to live. So. I encourage people to let go of their fears of not having, not being, and not doing and just be who they are today.  There is nothing more attractive to most of us than someone who is secure, humble and happy, so… be it. Love yourself, even if you are slightly overweight. Appreciate your job for what it is, knowing what you have now, was once something you wanted.  You don’t need to work 60-70 hours in order to get it done because once you allow for this to be your work time, it is really, really challenging to take that time back. Get done what you can, embrace your experiences and know that tomorrow you can work on tomorrow.
  10. Practice giving for the happiness of others

This is something I find to be a struggle for nearly all couples who come to me. “Being a husband means I have to sacrifice.” “I am the one who is always giving, I am not doing it any more, he needs to give” These are tests, and tests that are often blind to the person being tested. Set your fears of rejection aside, and if you want to give your husband a sexy massage, then give him one. If you want to tell your wife she looks hot in her garden shorts, tell her. If you know it will make your wife smile to get a little card in her purse on her drive to the office, put on in there. DO things that make the other person happy and your intimacy will sky rocket. Everyone wants to be loved. So love them. Show them how to love if you feel like you don’t get enough of it. If you are busy not giving for the happiness of your partner, go back to number one, ask for what you need and the practice making your partner happy. We all want to feel special, so go out there and do something special for your special some

photo credit: Dusty J via photopin cc

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